


The sum of your years.

by ilostmyothersock



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25752973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilostmyothersock/pseuds/ilostmyothersock
Summary: Nicky always seems serene, unflappable. It’s only at night that Nile sees that he is not.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 33
Kudos: 755





	The sum of your years.

They are all human, so they all hurt. The physical wounds heal quickly, but Nile is beginning to understand that the emotional ones fester all the more with the endless stretch of time ahead of and behind them.

Booker doesn’t hide it very well. He drinks, he gets grumpy, he broods - when Booker is in a bad mood, everyone around him knows it. If he has a nightmare he tends to wake up with a grunt, scrubbing his hands across his face before storming off in search of a drink. She doesn’t usually see him come back to bed.

Andy, for the most part, is quiet about her pain. Nile has never caught her in a nightmare, but she has definitely caught her sitting awake in the middle of the night, whisky in hand and a distant look on her face. The difference between Booker’s brooding and Andy’s brooding, though, is that Andy is almost _always_ brooding. Nile hasn’t yet figured out which kind of quiet is normal-quiet, and which is upset-quiet. Andy is just... quiet.

Joe is passionate. He’ll spin poetry about the colour of Nicky’s eyes just as articulately as he will about loneliness or anger (although she admits that this happens much less often - Nicky’s eyes really are a striking colour). She sometimes (rarely) catches glimpses of truly darker moods, but Nicky is always there with a gentle brush of his hand against Joe’s shoulder, a cup of tea, and the casual closeness that Joe seems to revel in. He will sit next to him, pressing their thighs together, and always seems to instinctively know when to give Joe his full attention, listening to whatever he has to say, and when to just sit quietly reading a book, giving Joe time to think while reminding him that he is not alone. On very rare occasions, Nicky will take his hand and pull him out for a walk. They will disappear for a few hours, and when they return (usually with some sort of food), the worried creases in Joe’s forehead will seem a little less pronounced.

Nicky, on the other hand, always seems... serene. He never hesitates to give her a smile, or to tell her a story from years past, or to spar with her. She has seen him angry, sure, especially in a fight, but he is more quietly dangerous than he is openly emotional. He doesn’t seem to say much, but he shows his love in actions - in treats carefully chosen from bakeries or markets, meals made with the utmost care (and with no small amount of skill, either - she supposes he _has_ had over 900 years to learn to cook), and in the silent, calculated rage he will unleash on anyone who tries to hurt the people he loves.

During downtime, however, he is always just... _fine._

He lets things roll off of him with a gentle smile - he never seems to take anything to heart. Whenever something goes wrong, he always has (sometimes cryptic) words of wisdom ready for them, delivered with a reassuring steadiness (and often a hot meal).

At the beginning, Nile thinks that maybe, with time, he has just learned how to brush everything off. She wonders if his unflappable calm is the result of 900 years of learning to forgive, of benevolence and understanding.

She later realizes that the pristine front is just that - a front. Nicky’s guard is always up when he is awake. It’s not 900 years of learning to not let anything phase you - it’s 900 years of getting good at hiding pain.

She only learns this, however, as the result of nights spent crammed together in one room in a small safe house. When the lights are out and there are no walls between them, Nile really sees that 900 years of life comes with 900 years of trauma, no matter how imperturbable one may seem.

\---

Joe and Nicky always sleep pressed against each other - good nights, bad nights, and everything between. 

On good nights, Joe will curl up behind Nicky, wrapping his arms around him tightly as he presses his face into Nicky’s hair. Nicky will grab onto Joe’s hand, pulling him in close, and tracing small circles with his thumb on Joe’s arm until he falls asleep.

On bad nights, they face each other.

If Joe startles awake Nicky will turn to him. He will press their foreheads together, running his fingers through Joe’s curls, pressing Joe’s hand to his own chest so that he can feel him breathe. Only when Joe’s breathing has slowed back into sleep will Nicky take Joe’s hand, pulling it over him as he turns back around to tuck his back against Joe’s chest.

As willing as he is to give comfort, however, he seems strangely reluctant to take it. On several occasions, Nile has seen him wake with a strangled gasp. She will watch with her eyes barely open in the darkness, her pupils still adjusting to the lack of light. His first move is always to pull away, ever so slightly. He will try to force his breaths to slow, turning heaving into shuddering, suppressed gasps, trying not to wake Joe. Despite his efforts, however, the tension in his shoulders and the way he will curl tightly in on himself will detach his back from where it was pressed against Joe, and Joe will blink awake in confusion.

His brow will furrow in concern at the quivering of Nicky’s shoulders, but as soon as he has woken up enough to realize what is going on, he will reach over to gently roll Nicky over to face him. Nicky will not resist, allowing himself to be pulled in tight to Joe’s chest, his face pressed into Joe’s neck.

With how tucked away his face is, Nile is never sure if he actually cries or not, but Joe will trail his fingers up and down Nicky’s spine, through his hair, down the side of his face, pulling Nicky in as tightly as he can until Nicky stops shaking. Even when Nicky stills and his breath slows into the deep inhales and exhales of sleep Joe will stay awake, continuing to hold Nicky to him, keeping watch.

Nile has only been caught staring once - Joe’s attention is usually entirely on Nicky (although she’s sure he knows she’s awake). He catches her eyes as he presses his chin into Nicky’s hair, giving her a gentle, reassuring smile. There is a sad, imploring look in his eyes, so as she quirks her lips tentatively and gives him a minute nod, she tries to convey that she understands the request.

For now, this is a secret she will keep.

**Author's Note:**

> On tumblr under the same name if you feel like saying hi/coming to scream with me!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The sum of your years](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25774378) by [sallysparrow017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallysparrow017/pseuds/sallysparrow017)




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